<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Page Fifty Five by SmackTheDevil</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24148375">Page Fifty Five</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmackTheDevil/pseuds/SmackTheDevil'>SmackTheDevil</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Celebrities, Drama &amp; Romance, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, M/M, Misunderstandings, Romantic Comedy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 03:54:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>17,065</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24148375</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmackTheDevil/pseuds/SmackTheDevil</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Page Fifty Five: A story of friendship, a double dose of unrequited love, a huge misunderstanding, rubbish boyfriends and an inexplicable celebrity encounter which is quite frankly hard to believe. Welcome to the world of Jared and Jensen.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>74</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I have another date lined up for you.” Jensen trilled in a sing-song voice, wiggling into his seat with excitement.</p>
<p>“Another one?” Jared’s head fell against table between them as they enjoyed their daily gossip together at ‘Jolly’s’ coffee bar. “I can’t go on any more of your dates.” He whined.</p>
<p>“And <i>you</i> can’t go on being single for the rest of your life. You’re a 29 year-old gay man. You’re past your prime.”</p>
<p>“Thanks, Jen.” Jared said flatly, looking up at Jensen through his bangs. “Friendly reminder, you’re the same age as me, you tired old queen.” He smirked.</p>
<p>“You know what I mean. You’re not a little twink any more, dear. It’s only because God saw fit to bless you with youthful genes that I’m even considering you for any of these men.”</p>
<p>“Sometimes, I feel like if I met you now, we would never be friends.” Jared pursed his lips and finally plunged his spoon into the pretty rose pattern on his coffee that he hadn’t wanted to disturb.</p>
<p>“I’m just being honest.” Jensen grinned. “No one is going to want to fuck you if you sit around in your little call-center cubicle crying all the time.”</p>
<p>“That was one time. Marc and I had just split up, I was hurting.”</p>
<p>“Marc. You remember Marc right? Mad Marc. When you broke up with him, he ripped off all of your door furniture and then posted the parts through the letter box. Including the letter box.”</p>
<p>“I found the doorbell batteries in next doors front yard.” Jared frowned, reminiscing about that bizarre ‘post break-up’ retaliation.</p>
<p>“I rest my case. He was mad, you know he was and yet you were on the phone to me for almost three hours.”</p>
<p>“Thirty minutes, tops.” Jared smirked.</p>
<p>“Three hours.” Jensen persisted. “Crying because you thought you had made a mistake.”</p>
<p>“He <i>was</i> gorgeous though.” Jared sighed whimsically.</p>
<p>“And crazy.” </p>
<p>“But anyway, who are you dictate to me about my love life. It’s not like you’re in the relationship of the year.”</p>
<p>“Justin and I have a very good relationship thank you.” </p>
<p>“Jen, he works on a cruise ship for half of the year. You never see him.”</p>
<p>“And that, my dear JJ is why it’s a good relationship.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jensen and Jared had met one another while they were still in high school; Jensen had moved in with his family next door to Jared. The pretty new boy then formed an LGBT society and Jared had been the only person to join. Jensen was flamboyant and loud which mostly terrified his peers, in contrast Jared was quiet, friendly but not very popular either. Jensen took the newly out Jared under his wing to teach him all there was to know about being gay in the 21st century. Jensen was only a few months older but appeared to have knowledge that surpassed his youth and Jared took everything he said as the gospel truth. When it transpired that Jensen was as clueless as Jared was about sex and affairs of the heart they still remained friends because as Jensen had once said ‘<i>Who would want to be friends with either of us any way?</i>’ </p>
<p>Jared like reading the classics, studied English at college and collected dusty old books like bees collect pollen. Jensen only went to college because he had been expected to. He wanted to be a personal assistant (to anyone important) like Andy in ‘The Devil Wear Prada’ but claimed he would be instantly stylish like Emily. </p>
<p>When college was over they had various jobs between them, both graduates but there was little need for writers and personal assistants in ‘Where The Fuck’, Texas. Between them they spent years busing tables, making sub par coffee, hosting (which Jensen put an end to because Jared had gotten an uncharacteristic taste for wearing flair) selling windows to bemused stay at home moms door-to-door and delivering pizza to name but a few.  </p>
<p>At the weekends they would drive out to Austin and be gay. They would scout for boys; rate them, slate them but very rarely date them. Jensen was too much, Jared wasn’t enough. </p>
<p>“It’s this state. I think most of these guys would prefer us to have a gun hanging between our legs than a penis.” Jensen had shouted into Jared’s ear one night while out clubbing. People heard and neither of them got so much as a hand job around the back entrance that evening. Pun completely intended.<br/>Things changed dramatically though, as they would do for Jensen who was one man drama club, when he was offered a job as a PA for an up and coming architectural company in Chicago.</p>
<p>“You come with, JJ.” Jensen had said. “It will be an adventure!”</p>
<p>“It’s a long way from home.”</p>
<p>“Do you want me to die? Because that is what will happen if you don’t come with. I need my JJ. And besides, I reckon call-centers are a dime a dozen in Chicago. And you can write anywhere.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know what to take from that clusterfuck of words.” Jared had frowned. “Sometimes I feel like you hate me.”</p>
<p>“Aw, JJ. I love you, dear.” Jensen grinned. “Come with.”</p>
<p>“Fine, I’ll ‘come with’.”</p>
<p>“Don’t do the finger quotes, you know the finger quotes make me crazy.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The boys moved to Chicago together. And Jared got a job in a cubicle taking phone calls for some ‘cheap’ cable company with bad work ethics and hidden costs in their ‘eXtreme cable five star package’. Jared spoke to angry people on the daily but the pay was good. He had the angry people to thank for that. Jensen admitted that being a PA was just about getting a lot of coffee and hanging up coats. ‘<i>But I think I’ve sussed out all the gays in the building</i>’. Relationships came and went for the pair of them but they always met up once a day without fail, with Jensen even braving Jared’s tiny book filled apartment with chicken soup when Jared had gotten sick one January. </p>
<p>Jared was with ‘Mad Marc’ for over a year and Jensen had met cruise ship entertainer Justin at a dinner hosted by the company. Marc hated Jensen and Justin hates Jared. And since ‘Mad Marc’ had been dispatched and Justin was away high-kicking for the entertainment of easily amused seniors, Jensen made it his goal to get Jared set up with a new man.</p>
<p>“I don’t like to see you single. That’s all I’m saying.”</p>
<p>“Jen, I don’t really care right now. And honestly, my writing is going really well, having a guy around would only make me lose focus.”</p>
<p>“Hm. Dates are just dates, they’re not relationships.”</p>
<p>“And <i>you’re</i> bored.” Jared smirked, leaning across the table and picking a ball of pink fluff from Jensen’s shoulder.</p>
<p>“Please, just see these last five.” Jensen insisted. </p>
<p>“Five!?” Jared rolled his eyes. </p>
<p>“Please. Please. Please. Please.”</p>
<p>“Okay, okay. Calm down, Jen! I’ll do it.”</p>
<p>“Yay.” Jensen clapped. “But can I give you a piece of advice?”</p>
<p>“Like I could ever stop you.”</p>
<p>“Cut your hair.”</p>
<p>“Absolutely not.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Clothes and image were a huge bone of contention between the two friends. Jensen loved clothes, Jensen had gotten into considerable debt because of clothes. Jared liked clothes that swamped his skinny six foot four frame, that kept him warm and dry and prevented him from being naked in public. Jared had pointed out that clothes didn’t really matter, and that confidence comes from within. ‘<i>It’s not like I have trouble finding men</i>.’ Jensen had countered that by saying ‘<i>No but you do have trouble finding the right man</i>.’</p>
<p>Jensen wore his hair short and in a heavily waxed thick ‘flicky style’, was always closely shaved and smelled of Tom Fords’ ‘Wood’. He lived in skinny jeans and wore a keffiyeh constantly around his neck. He had every color of the rainbow and was even able to match one with a Speedo when he and Jared went on vacation to Mexico the year before last. Jensen looked sexy <i>all</i> the time and Jared told him he looked good every single time they saw one another. And he meant it.</p>
<p>Jared wore his hair long. When the pair had met in college Jared had ‘almost curls’, cute little cow-licks that made him look like a seventh grader. And then he grew it to distract from a prematurely forming receding hairline and never stopped. ‘<i>At least wear it in a man-bun</i>’, Jensen had said. But the glossy brown waves were always being pushed affectionately from Jared’s eyes and they were always Jensen’s fingers. Jared’s clothes were a car crash of comfort and attachment. Too worn jeans and soft old plaid shirts that made him look like he should have been heaving hay bales for a living. And his grotty old T-shirts always fitted across his broad, toned chest like a dream. ‘<i>I can see nip</i>’, Jensen would say. Mostly because he had been looking for ‘em.<br/>Oh and they’re in love with one another, by the way. But you knew that right? Because they have <i>no</i> clue.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>DATE ONE</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <i>The Felching Expert</i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘<i>Help</i>’. That had been the text Jared had sent to Jensen during the first of the five dates Jensen had arranged. ‘<i>No</i>’, came the reply.</p>
<p>“The most important aspect that has to be performed correctly is anal cleansing.” Brady, who was middling to look at and off the scale loud was also one of those people who expected a verbal answer after everything he said. And then prompted when Jared couldn’t muster up anything more responsive than a nod. “Don’t you think?”</p>
<p>“Yes, of course. Hygiene is important.”</p>
<p>“That’s what I said. If a man shies away from a simple enema, then I’m out.” Brady chuckled. “Don’t you agree?”</p>
<p>“Yes.” Jared nodded.</p>
<p>“And then of course, they have to be willing but it’s generally me who does the sucking.” For some reason that Jared could not fathom, sucking came out like a foghorn. “I do it. Not them, I don’t understand why it’s ever a problem. Do you know what I mean?”</p>
<p>“Yes.”</p>
<p>“Oh, so you have experience in felching?”</p>
<p>“No. Um, it’s not really my thing.” Jared was shrinking into himself and had run out of the acceptable quota of bad date bathroom breaks without making himself look like he had a bladder infection.</p>
<p>“That’s because you imagine yourself as the sucker, not the suckee.” </p>
<p>“No, I really don’t.” Jared huffed before exhaling out a more first-date like question. “So, what do you do for a job?”</p>
<p>“Oh.” Brady chuckled. “Sorry, I guess the conversation has been a little one track. I work for an online travel agency.”</p>
<p>“Interesting.” It really wasn’t.</p>
<p>“Have you ever tried an enema?” </p>
<p>“Check please!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>~</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He sucked.” Jared sighed as Jensen set a tall glass mug full of frothy vanilla latte in front of his friend.</p>
<p>“Oh, that is a pity, JJ.”</p>
<p>“No, I mean he literally sucked, Jenny.” Jared dipped his head, having the decency to whisper just as Brady had not. “He talked about felching the entire time.”</p>
<p>“Oh God.” Jensen snorted.</p>
<p>“Yeah, thanks. And he was loud too.”</p>
<p>“I’m so sorry, I thought he was nice.” Jensen shrugged as he sprinkled a liberal amount of cinnamon over the surface of his coffee. And Jared’s.</p>
<p>“Hm.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>~</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>DATE TWO</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <i>Magic Mike</i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay, I’m going to say it. You really look like Channing Tatum. And you’re a stripper too right?” Jared had never been that impressed with male strippers. But he was trying.</p>
<p>“That’s right.” Fake Channing, aka Lucas flexed his neck and then his biceps.</p>
<p>“Impressive.” Jared said. Unimpressed. “And you have a dance troupe?”</p>
<p>“Huh, yeah. I called us ‘The Magical Dikes’, y’know because of copyright and shit.”</p>
<p>“Dikes?” Jared hid his smirk behind the rim of his glass. </p>
<p>“Yeah. It was the only other guys name that rhymes with Mike.”</p>
<p>“Ike?” Jared offered. “And maybe not offensive slang for lesbians?”</p>
<p>Record scratch.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>~</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“But you love strippers.” Jensen grinned. “And Lucas was very fit.”</p>
<p>“I liked the first Magic Mike movie, I mean I’ve always admired Soderburgh’s direct-”</p>
<p>“Oh shut up trying to sound like you weren’t there for the ass-less chaps and Joe Manganiello’s huge schlong.”</p>
<p>“But the plot itself-” Jared tried.</p>
<p>“Liar.”</p>
<p>“Okay. Fine, I do remember saying that Joe Manganiello was definitely hot.”</p>
<p>“No, it was Channing Tatum, dear.”</p>
<p>“No.” Jared sighed. “I said <i>he</i> looked like a thumb.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>~</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>DATE THREE</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <i>Ascot Man</i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So, what do you do?” Elijah asked, Jared’s third date of the week who was dressed in a very cool Smashing Pumpkins tee but had ruined it all by matching it, inexplicably, with a green silk ascot. And he had been stroking it all evening as if to prompt Jared to comment.</p>
<p>“I, um. I work in a call-center but I also do freelance writing. I’m working on my first novel too.” </p>
<p>“Are you writer?” Elijah said, lifting his chin to showcase the insanely out of place piece of neck furniture.</p>
<p>“Yes.” Jared said slowly. “Writing, being a writer. Kind of goes hand in hand.” He chuckled.</p>
<p>“Hm.” </p>
<p>“What do you do?” </p>
<p>“I work in Hot Topic.” Elijah dragged his hand down the green silk and waved the ends at Jared ‘seductively’.</p>
<p>“Is that a store?”</p>
<p>“It’s <i>the</i> store.” Elijah almost snapped the words out. How old even was this guy?</p>
<p>And then Jared gave in.</p>
<p>“Nice ascot.”</p>
<p>“I wore it ‘specially.”</p>
<p>“I bet you did.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>~</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He was wearing what?” Jensen chuckled, although it came out more like a cackle, as if he had been expecting that exact conversation.</p>
<p>“An ascot. Like Fred from Scooby Doo.”</p>
<p>“They can be quite stylish.”</p>
<p>“He was also wearing a Smashing Pumpkins t-shirt.”</p>
<p>“Oh.” Jensen snorted.</p>
<p>“Where <i>do</i> you find these people?"</p>
<p>“Around.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>~</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>DATE FOUR</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p><i>The Sugar-Grandaddy</i> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jared walked into the bar. Nope.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>~</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He wasn’t <i>that</i> old.” Jensen frowned.</p>
<p>“Jensen. He had his nurse with him.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>~</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>DATE FIVE</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <i>Pac-Man</i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You are so lucky working with dogs every day.” Jared beamed at Robbie, who was rather lovely and showing his date quite a lot pictures of some his charges at the rescue center he worked at.</p>
<p>“Don’t you have a dog yourself?” </p>
<p>“I can’t, landlord won’t let me.”</p>
<p>“Oh shame.”</p>
<p>“I had two growing up though, they were my only friends up until high school.”</p>
<p>“Miss them?” Robbie laid a hand over Jared’s as he sensed a sadness there. </p>
<p>“I do, a lot.” </p>
<p>Robbie was a nice guy, he asked all the right questions. Nice dresser. Not bad looking. Jared always preferred a fuller mouth and tended to be a sucker for green-eyes but Robbie’s blue ones were rather fetching.</p>
<p>“Shall we, um get out of here?” Robbie purred and Jared was game. It had been a while. Seven months, four days, six hours and about twelve minutes. Give or take. Not that he was counting.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I’d like that.” Jared grinned as the pair left the bar hand in hand.  </p>
<p>Robbie glanced at Jared as they walked, both smiling softly at one another.</p>
<p>“I really want to kiss you now.” Robbie whispered.</p>
<p>“Go for it.” Jared smirked as they backed into the doorway of a closed jewelery store. “Oh God.” Jared muttered as Robbie clamped his mouth over his own. “Do you think you could close your mouth a bit?” Jared chuckled.</p>
<p>“Sure.” Robbie grinned and then more mouth, too much teeth and so much mouth. Jared grabbed Robbie’s shoulders and pushed him back gently. </p>
<p>“A little more, maybe?” Jared nodded.</p>
<p>“I can do that.”</p>
<p>So. Much. Mouth.</p>
<p>“You know what?” Jared held Robbie back at arms length who had literally become a giant mouth on top of a body. “This is rushing things for me.” He said softly. “Maybe we should call it a night.”</p>
<p>“Oh.” Robbie said sadly. “Okay, I can’t say I’m not disappointed.”</p>
<p>“Sorry, it’s been a while for me. I need to take things slow. You have my number?”</p>
<p>“Sure. Yeah.” Robbie took a step back and shrugged.</p>
<p>“Call me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>~</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“How much hassle would it be to change my cell number?”</p>
<p>“Why, what have you done?” Jensen sighed.</p>
<p>“<i>I</i> haven’t done anything. It’s you. You set me up with the worst kisser in the world.”</p>
<p>“You’re so dramatic. It can’t have been that bad.” Jensen smirked.</p>
<p>“It was.” Jared said flatly. “I don’t know where you find these people Jenny. Do you have access to some dating reject bin or something?”</p>
<p>“It was just bad luck.”</p>
<p>“Really?”</p>
<p>“I’ll find you someone else.”</p>
<p>“No, you are officially fired from setting me up with weirdos.”</p>
<p>“Fine. Go fishing on your own.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jared felt gloomy to say the least and declined in helping Jensen clean his apartment because of the imminent arrival of Justin fresh off the cruise ship. Jared generally felt gloomy when Justin was around, even more so now since his dating life was worse than it had ever been. He still saw Jensen each day, every day but there was always a lot of Justin talk and Jared just didn’t like Justin much at all. ‘<i>You must try and be nicer to him, JJ</i>’ Jensen had said.</p>
<p>So what is a single man on the cusp of thirty to do when his only friend is occupied? He gets stone cold drunk on his own and listens to a bit of Enya. And then goes onto Facebook to unblock ‘Mad Marc’. On his way there, Justin had posted a video. He did that often because he was a massive show-off and they were usually of him lounging on the deck of a boat in a bedazzled Speedo while the sun bounced off dozens of little gray heads. The latest video looked like a skit, Justin was mincing about and the people around him were cracking up laughing. Jared, in his drunken state, hadn’t turned the volume up, so had missed the first minute or so and then threw a ‘laughing emojii’ reaction because Jensen had told him to be nice to Justin.</p>
<p>Jared passed out on the couch with his phone in his hand, missed his morning alarm for work and that innocuous little emojji was about to ruin his life.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jared felt like a giant wood chip when he woke up. His first thought was that it probably hadn’t been a good idea to drink that open bottle of white wine that had been in the fridge since last Christmas; even the thought of it made him gag dramatically. His phone had dropped to the floor and was flashing away like a neon sex-shop sign as he picked it up to check the time. It was 2pm.</p>
<p>“Shit.” Jared dragged himself upright which was a really bad idea, he ignored the dozens of messages on his phone and called in sick for the first time since he had gotten the job. Unable to deal with focusing, he took a shower, drank three thousand gallons of water and blindly dropped the empty wine bottle into the recycling. He couldn’t even bear to look at an empty. And then he checked his phone.</p>
<p>‘<i>Where are you?</i>’<br/>‘<i>Call me</i>.’<br/>‘<i>Why the fuck did you find that video funny?</i>’<br/>‘<i>Jared?</i>’<br/>‘<i>JJ, are you okay?</i>’<br/>‘<i>Thanks for ignoring me!</i>’<br/>‘<i>JARED! How could you?</i>’<br/>‘<i>I’ve tried calling, why aren’t you answering?</i>’<br/>‘<i>You know what, I really need you now and you can’t even send me a quick text</i>’<br/>‘<i>Justin has broken up with me, but you know that right because you think he’s so fucking funny.</i>’<br/>‘<i>JARED?</i>’<br/>‘<i>Know what? Fuck you.</i>’<br/>‘<i>Bye.</i>’</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And then Jared listened to the six voice-mails which slowly descended from concern to hate to a sadness that twisted inside Jared’s stomach. Jared had never heard Jensen sound so distraught and never had he been at the receiving end of his best friend yelling.</p>
<p>‘<i>Right, I guess that’s it then. Don’t bother calling now. It’s too late. I have been publically humiliated and my best friend was in on it too. I never thought this would happen to us. I’m going home, don’t call. Don’t text. Just leave me alone</i>.’</p>
<p>Jared had no idea what had happened. He called Jensen immediately but the call went to voicemail. He tried repeatedly another dozen times until he decided to leave a message.<br/>‘<i>Jenny, I don’t know what’s happened but I got drunk and fell asleep, call me</i>.’</p>
<p>Jared then checked his social media, Jensen had vanished from his Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, SnapChat; everything. Jared was still friends with Justin, so went on his page to see if he could track Jensen down <i>and</i> rewatched the video with the volume up from the start. It had been about Jensen, Jared hadn’t heard the first part. ‘<i>This is Jensen, that fucking walk with those weird legs and fat ass</i>.’ Justin then went about taking the absolute piss out the man that Jared thought Justin had loved. And then there were the pictures entitled ‘Me and my new Man &lt;3’; an album of not suitable for social media photographs of Justin wrapped around some twink, all oiled-up and partially naked. Jared reported them, just out of spite.</p>
<p>Jared called Jensen again. Straight to voicemail.</p>
<p>‘<i>Jenny, I didn’t know what that video was about. I couldn’t hear it. I’m so sorry. I unliked it. Justin is an asshole, you deserve so much better. I am so sorry. I’m here if you need me</i>.’</p>
<p>By early evening, Jared hadn’t heard a word from Jensen and so he went to his apartment. The apartment he shared with super-villain, Justin.</p>
<p>“What the fuck do you want?” Justin was hissing down the intercom like the little snake that he was.</p>
<p>“I want to see Jensen.”</p>
<p>“He’s not here. I dumped him.” Justin snorted.</p>
<p>“Where is he?”</p>
<p>“Gone. Anything else?”</p>
<p>“Gone where?”</p>
<p>“Back to Tex-ASS.” Justin hissed. “Hey, maybe you can have a go on that ugly wobble butt now.” </p>
<p>“Fuck you, Justin.” Jared snapped, releasing his finger from the intercom button and cutting the hateful little asp off mid sentence. </p>
<p>By midnight, Jared was distraught. It was the first whole day that Jared hadn’t seen Jensen for fifteen years and it hit him <i>hard</i>. There was little else he could do but wait until the morning and try to contact Jensen again but he had a feeling that Jensen had done everything in his power to stop that from happening. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The moment Jared opened his eyes the next morning, that awful sinking feeling kicked in that people get when they wake and realize their life isn’t quite right. He felt as if there was a weight upon his body and that where his heart had been, there was nothing more than an empty space. He was heartbroken, bursting into tears the very moment the situation had fully clicked back into his conscious mind. He checked the time on his phone and called Jensen’s mom which had been the last thought he had before he had forced himself into sleep the night before.</p>
<p>“He’s here.” Donna Ackles said cautiously and in a tone that said ‘close by’. “He won’t talk to you, Jared.”</p>
<p>“I know, I figured that. I didn’t do anything.” Jared whispered, as if ‘close by’ Jensen was going to be able to hear. And then he heard shuffling, a door opening and then closing again.</p>
<p>“It didn’t sit right when Jen told me.” Donna said in low tones.</p>
<p>“Why is he being so stubborn? After all these years, a misunderstanding is going to break us up?” Jared sucked in a breath.</p>
<p>“Give him time, he’s been hurt by Justin and you, I know not intentionally but he’ll come around. I will tell him you called though.”</p>
<p>“Right.” Jared went very quiet, it killed him to know that Jensen was just there, so close.</p>
<p>“I’ll keep in touch.” Donna said softly, and Jared could hear the smile in her voice.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The absolute worst part of the situation was that Jared was effectively trapped from doing anything else but calling Jensen’s mom to check in. His annual leave from work was months away and it wasn’t as if he was in the position to take even more sick days. The company frowned upon any kind of sick day unless their employee had an arm off or were perhaps dead. Money was tight and Jared barely scraped through paying his rent, so even if he did have the time to go back to Texas, he didn’t have the money to get there. Worse still, he couldn’t just pack up and leave like Jensen had; Jared still had five long months on his contractually binding tenancy lease and his landlord was a scoundrel of the highest order. Jensen, for the first time since they were fifteen years-old was unreachable, untouchable and Jared had never felt so lost and empty in his life. The first few weeks had been the worst Jared had ever known; there had been so much that he had chosen to ignore about his life when Jensen had been around and it all hit him in the face like a mack truck. He had no friends, no boyfriend and no social life. Jensen had been all three, and neither of them had realized.</p>
<p>Fifteen years of meeting up daily like clockwork for coffee in the colder months, fruit smoothies in the summer and the brief 2015 move onto bubble tea. Caring for one another when they were sick, scouting for boys, bemoaning boyfriends and bad dates. Shopping together, even though most of the time Jared hated it; he was always there to carry Jensen’s bags or offer an opinion. Jensen was the ‘fashionista’ in the friendship but comments from Jared like ‘<i>Ocre is so not your color</i>’ were always taken on board.</p>
<p>Movie nights were spent on the couch in tatty lounge pants and slouchy socks, sharing a bottle of wine; sprawled over one another, stroking and nuzzling. Other people have to work hard to find that level of familiar intimacy with a partner, Jared and Jensen had it from day one. A stray hair here, a ball of fluff there, affectionate grooming and ‘I love you so much’ touches that were just a part of them. So natural and easy, never taken for granted just two soul mates who hadn’t met their moment. Jared thought that once upon a time he had known heartbreak, ‘Mad Marc’ had broken his heart on a sunny Wednesday afternoon but had the decency of leaving it behind. Jensen had snatched it and had run for the hills. Jared wasn’t betting on seeing it again any time soon.<br/>As days turned into weeks, the regular calls with Donna soon turned into brief texts ‘<i>Is he okay?</i>’ ‘<i>Yes, he’s fine. Misses you</i>’ until even they petered out into long stretches of silence and Jared adjusted to a world where Jensen wasn’t there. A bubble universe attached to the rest of the planet where Jared simply existed; sleep, write, work, eat. Rinse, repeat. Rinse, repeat.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jensen had been excited to welcome Justin home from a long stretch of four months on the ship, or as excited as a person can be to reunite with a boyfriend who was vaguely verbally abusive and a fucking obnoxious shit. Jensen usually told Jared everything, almost everything. He told him about the duty free cologne Justin would buy him and how his collection of fancy glass cocktails stirrers (that Justin mostly stole) were little tokens of love rather than hollow, last minute replacements for gifts that should have been given with more thought. He never told Jared how Justin would constantly put him down about his bow-legs, or how he used to openly flirt in front of Jensen’s face and then pass it off as friendly banter. Because when Jensen was with Jared he got all the things from him that Justin failed at; genuine compliments, a shoulder to cry on and soft touches of affection. So he lied, told Jared that his relationship was going swimmingly when in reality his best friend was giving him all of things he was craving.</p>
<p>Jensen and Justin’s break up had happened fast and Jared had drunkenly slept through the entire thing, unaware that his best friends life was taking a crappy turn for the worst. Justin had breezed back into Jensen’s life, bringing with him a bitchy little Puerto Rican twink called Celestino who made himself quite at home while Jensen stood flabbergasted and confused in the hallway after being introduced as ‘friends’.</p>
<p>“Right, you didn’t didn’t tell me we were having company, Justin.” Jensen clambered over the pile of suitcases and holdalls in the hallway as Celestino wandered around <i>his</i> living room, touching his things and behaving like a ‘fluffer’; poised to redecorate the moment Jensen was out of the way.</p>
<p>“Celestino is staying, honey.” Justin clicked his fingers at the new addition as he sat on the couch who then joined him by partially sitting on Justin’s lap.</p>
<p>“Oh.”</p>
<p>Justin did nothing more than cock his smug little head to one side and trace his fingertips up Celestino’s skinny thigh. </p>
<p>“Guess that means that I’m out.” Jensen said calmly. It was sad because Justin’s boyfriend before Jensen had been dispatched in exactly the same way three years previously. Justin had always liked to boast about it. ‘<i>Ugh, nothing worse than having to have ‘the talk’ with your boyfriend. I prefer visual aids when I’m breaking up</i>’ and he hadn’t been wrong. Jensen felt like a spare part in his own home and utterly humiliated. But oddly, not heartbroken or even that sad. </p>
<p>“Sorry, honey. I just feel like you and I have come to the end of our story.”</p>
<p>“Right.” Jensen muttered. “I guess I’ll get my things then.” The gregarious, opinionated young man reduced to timid mouse in seconds. Jensen had always hated fights and really, Justin wasn’t worth fighting for. “I’ll go and stay with Jared.”</p>
<p>“Yes! Oh, my God. Honey, he would <i>love</i> it.” Justin clapped with too much enthusiasm. “And take your time packing, I wouldn’t want you to feel as if you were being pushed out.” Justin pouted, head still cocked, face begging for a beating. “Aw, don’t be sad honey bunny.” He added in that fucking irritating baby voice he always did.</p>
<p>“I’m not. I’m fine.” Jensen said tightly before sending Jared the first in the long line of texts that would go unanswered. It took Jensen two hours to pack his things; clothes mostly, an extensive collection of cologne, toiletries, his box of keepsakes (which mostly, if not all revolved around Jared) and one book. A copy of ‘Call Me By Your Name’ that Jared had bought him last Christmas in one last ditch attempt to encourage Jensen to at least try to read a book. ‘<i>It has sex in it, Jenny. Beautiful gay love</i>.’ Jared had said, Jensen bought himself the movie instead. </p>
<p>By 1 AM, Jensen’s car was loaded with his life and his mind was in a state since Jared was still off the radar but no matter, even though it was late he knew that if he went to his apartment at whatever time, Jared would welcome him in. Jensen left Justin and his glass cocktail stirrers behind, without even bothering to say goodbye. Calls, and texts, messages from every app Jared was contactable on all went ignored. Jensen buzzed up to Jared’s apartment for half an hour, waiting for ten minutes or so on the door step between attempts before trying again. And then the tears came, Jensen sat sobbing as the rain fell, too numb and neglected to seek shelter in his car. The battery was dying on his phone so in one last ditch attempt to call Jared, he unlocked his phone. As he did so, he got a notification saying ‘Justin Bishop has posted a new video’. Jensen wiped his wet nose with the back of his hand and watched it. A mocking, bitchy swipe at Jensen. Remote bullying via social media with comments ranging from ‘<i>You’re free at last!</i>’ and ‘<i>I knew you could do better &lt;3</i>’. Every word wounded. But it was that little laughing face that stung the most. The tiny yellow emojji of mirth with Jared’s name next to it. Jensen just about managed to send Jared a litany of angry/hurt messages and voice-mails before deleting him, unfriending him and unfollowing him on every contactable platform when his phone shut down. A knee-jerk reaction if ever there was one. </p>
<p>The seventeen hour drive back to Texas was done through tears and when Jensen finally returned home, he barely had any recollection as to how he got there. His clothes remained in his car while he collapsed exhausted into his mothers arms and then slept for almost a day.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jensen left his phone off for several days. Couldn’t bear to put himself out there again. He knew that Jared had called his mom too. But he was home and he liked it. He liked how familiar everything felt, loved seeing his mom cooking in the kitchen, loved how they still had the same couch from when he was a kid. He ate his weight in Texan home-cooking and adored the way his Dad, a quiet thoughtful man would just smile at him so warmly because he didn’t have the right words to use to console his son. </p>
<p>“Jared is ever so sorry, Jen.” Jensen’s mom was stood in the door way of his old bedroom, unchanged since he last left it. Very early 2000’s in style, quite a lot of pastel. “You should talk to him.”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“But you two have never even bickered, I don’t understand it.”</p>
<p>“Neither do I mom. And I don’t want to talk about it.” Jensen had been saying that ever since he walked through the front door of home. And every time his mom asked, a little more came out. Little drip drops of information but no long monologues of explanation.</p>
<p>“Okay, just let me know if and when you <i>do</i> feel like talking.”</p>
<p>“Thanks, mom.” Jensen smiled up from his bed.</p>
<p>“It’s ever so nice having you home again, sweet pea.”</p>
<p>“I’m staying, not going back. If that’s okay.”</p>
<p>“Are you sure?”</p>
<p>“Hm.” Jensen nodded through forming tears. “I think sometimes, things just have to end.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jensen didn’t listen to the voice-mails that Jared had left but he didn’t delete them. Nor did he sign back up to any of his beloved apps instead he downloaded job search apps and spent his time  in places he wouldn’t ever be found. Stubbornness and humiliation had driven him to isolate himself. Justin barely crossed his mind, all he had done was confirm to Jensen that he was a little shit. The heartbreak was reserved for Jared only and while he knew that his best friend didn’t have a vindictive bone his body, as far as Jensen was concerned, he wasn’t there when he needed him to be. ‘<i>He had been asleep, Jen. That’s all. Call him</i>.’ Jensen’s mother had said after another frantic call from Jared.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Don’t care. He still betrayed me.” Jensen said bitterly.</p>
<p>“Oh, you’ve always had a flair for the dramatic. Call him.”</p>
<p>“No. I’ve moved on. And so should he.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jensen got his wish, as the weeks went on, Jared stopped calling. And that was the day that their friendship died. Jensen got a job in town by way of a miracle. Back to bar-tending and dialing down ‘the gay’ to keep the locals happy. It had never been easy growing up gay in his part of Texas. When he had been a precocious teen he had rebelled against it, chose to flounce and to be as gay as gay could be. Jared had liked him back then, the quiet boy who Jensen had befriended. Forming a gay club of two in a Christian school, ‘homo-rebels’ they had called themselves. They had needed one another then, they hadn’t needed to be accepted by society or their peers because they had each other to validate their shared sexuality. </p>
<p>But times change and people move on.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i>Two Months Later</i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>From: Suzie Prentice [suzie.prentice@spectrumpublising.com]</p>
<p>Sent: Tuesday, August 14th, 4.30 PM</p>
<p>To: Jared Padalecki [jaredpadaleckiwriter@gmail.com]</p>
<p>Subject: Writers Wanted</p>
<p>Attachment/s: contributions.pdf</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dear Jared,</p>
<p>Spectrum Publishing are currently putting together a book of stories and anecdotes from a wide rage of notable LGBTQ+ celebrities, artists, actors, writers and musicians in aid of several national charities. We have been compiling the book for several months and are close to publishing. I found your piece in the Gay Chicago Magazine about the lack of funding for young LGBTQ+ people in the city that was published last month. I found it honest and thought-provoking.</p>
<p>We are now looking for less notable types to fill the remaining slots we have with a view to complete the book by the end of this month. If you’re interested in sending us a short piece about a significant experience as a member of the LGBTQ+ community please get back to me ASAP with a 500 word draft and your input will be considered. We would really like you to contribute to this unique book.</p>
<p>I have attached a PDF file with some examples from our main contributors such as Ellen Page, Adam Lambert, Laverne Cox, Garrard Conley et al. I hope that in reading their stories, it will encourage you to do the same.</p>
<p>I look forward to hearing from you.</p>
<p>Regards</p>
<p>Suzie Prentice</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So, Jared wasn’t even mad as being described as ‘not notable’ and that he was filling space because they had run out of famous contributors. A publishing house had found him, by way of a miracle, and he was finally going to see his name in print in a real book other than the odd obscure magazine or newspaper article he had been writing to keep himself ticking over financially. He replied to the email instantly with a promise that he would send a draft within the next few hours because he didn’t have to think twice about the piece he would write for the book. Jared called his mom with the news who was lukewarm about the idea, just as always had been and remained so when it came to her sons sexuality. She had never been cruel or threatened to disowned him but Jared knew that if he rolled up fresh from Chicago on his mothers door step with a pretty girl on his arm then their relationship would improve hugely. That scenario would never happen in a billion years, so Mrs. Padalecki would have to continue to deal with her slightly disappointing son.</p>
<p>The reality was, there was only person that Jared wanted to tell. The one person who would say ‘<i>Oh, fuck, JJ! I’m buying champagne to celebrate! I am so proud of you!</i>’ The one person who would buy a hundred copies and hand them out to people on the street. The one person who would hug him and tell him ‘<i>Good job</i>.’ Jensen wasn’t his friend any more but Jared relished in what might have been because that was all that he could do.</p>
<p>Jared wrote his piece in half an hour, proof-read it, edited it and sent it before the end of the day. By lunchtime the next day he received an email saying that his piece had been accepted. </p>
<p>*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jared’s social life was shockingly desolate. He had never attempted to make friends at work, a little difficult when each person is rammed into inhumane cubicles with a daily quota of calls to get through. Nobody spoke much in the lunch room either, unless it was about food that had gone missing or if the silence was <i>so</i> painfully awkward that the only cure was brief, banal conversation. ‘<i>Sunny today isn’t it?</i>’, ‘<i>Is that couscous you’re eating?</i>’, ‘<i>Hi</i>’.</p>
<p>Jensen had been his friend, wing-man, confidant; his absolute everything and without him Jared had only himself. The shy boy from high school who hadn’t flowered until Jensen Ackles had come into his life. The void he had left inside of Jared was impossible to fill and he made no attempt to fill it. He did just what he always had except for the bits that Jensen was there for. Which turned out to be mostly everything. Jared’s only solace was writing. It seemed that desolation and isolation brought the true writer out in him and since Jensen left, Jared was close to finishing his novel. It was bittersweet and almost cruel that he should find his feet in such a heartbreaking way. His loss had been channeled into his creativity. And in some ways, Jensen had been there for that too.</p>
<p>So when the invitation for the launch of the book ‘<i>Our Private Lives: Stories from Beyond The Closet'</i> turned up in Jared’s mail box it was to be his first social engagement since Jensen. The R.S.V.P asked for details of a plus-one; naturally Jared hadn’t checked that box but sent the reply back with a view to attending the launch in mid September. The publishers were not fucking around when they said that they were getting the book out fast. Jared hadn’t seen an advance copy yet since he probably wasn’t notable enough to receive one, but in an email from Suzie, it said that his piece was on page fifty-five opposite a touching paragraph from Billy Porter. Jared was quite pleased that he had been mixed in with the celebrities until it dawned on him that he would be mixing with the real life contributors of the book at the venue with no one there to support him. It was just the kind of event that would have had Jensen crawling the walls with excitement. If it had been any other kind of event, Jared would have passed but the launch party of a book that he was involved in and the subsequent profitable networking to come from it was too good to pass up.</p>
<p>‘Come casual/smart’ the invitation had said which suited Jared perfectly. Not having to fuck around with tuxedos or ‘out of his comfort zone’ clothes lead him to purchase a fashionable pair of skinny jeans which in hindsight made him look like a beanpole and a nice smart blazer in dark burgundy which he matched with one of Jensen’s green and cream keffiyehs which Jared had found in his apartment three weeks after Jensen had left for Texas. It still smelled strongly of Tom Ford cologne and Jared wore it almost daily, the scent of Jensen fading over time, blending with Jared’s cheap old Cool Water. He even tied his hair up into a messy bun, too preoccupied with writing and grieving to visit a hairdresser. Jensen wouldn’t recognize him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The launch party venue was trendy, the kind of place where people sipped their drinks through bamboo straws from mason jars. It was all wood floors with bare retro light bulbs hanging from the ceiling and too high bar stools which made Jared stick out like a sore thumb. None of the press that had turned up that night took a blind bit of notice as Jared slipped into the venue but he did think he spotted Matt Bomer with his partner but it might just have been a <i>really</i> good looking man. All Jared could think about was how Jensen would have been losing his shit at all the glamor. Jared parked himself at the bar, the best place for those alone; an anonymous face amongst the stars and celebrities, publishers and media types. Plus it was a free bar and who wouldn’t take advantage of that. But then he was saved.</p>
<p>“Are you Jared?” A small voice came from behind him. Jared spun around, eyebrow cocked. </p>
<p>“I am.”</p>
<p>“Hello, I’m Suzie. We’ve been emailing. I didn’t recognize you at first.” She smiled. “Your hair was shorter in the picture you sent me.”</p>
<p>“Hello.” Jared chuckled, shaking Suzie’s hand, grateful that he knew at least one person there to help make him look less conspicuous. “Yeah, just trying it out.”</p>
<p>“I like it, suits you.”</p>
<p>“Thanks.”</p>
<p>“So, first book launch. Daunting isn’t it?”</p>
<p>“Just a little, I feel like I’ve gatecrashed a really cool party.” Jared grinned.</p>
<p>“I felt like that the first time I attended one of these functions. No one’s interested in you unless they’ve seen your face in a magazine or a movie. But that’s why these things are great to take advantage of.”</p>
<p>“That was my line of thinking but all I’ve been doing is sitting here drinking mojito’s.”</p>
<p>“Oh my God, you haven’t even seen the book yet then?”</p>
<p>“No, not yet. I’ve seen the artwork for the cover but not the actual book.” Jared said, gesturing at the large images that were hung from the ceiling.</p>
<p>“Come with me. I can’t have you come here and get drunk at the bar without seeing your first published work.” Suzie grabbed Jared by the elbow, who snatched up his drink and allowed himself to be lead through the throng of people and toward a table covered with dozens of copies of the book. Suzie picked up a copy and held it up. “Can you spot you?” She grinned.</p>
<p>“Me?” Jared frowned, taking the book from Suzie’s hands and scanning the collage of faces on the cover. “I thought you wanted my picture so that you’d know who I was?”</p>
<p>“I did but also for the cover.”</p>
<p>“Oh my God. There’s me.”</p>
<p>“I really should have told you what it was for, using a persons image without their consent is frowned upon.”</p>
<p>“Frowned upon?” Jared said wryly.</p>
<p>“Okay, I could get fired but I really enjoyed our email conversations and thought it would be a nice surprise?”</p>
<p>“It is. I love it.” Jared was a touch overwhelmed. “This is incredible.” He opened the book and found his name in the contents and then his page. “I know this is just a small thing but it’s such a great cause and-”</p>
<p>“Hello, ‘Legs For Days’.” </p>
<p>Jared spun around at the interruption and watched as someone who he <i>really</i> recognized pass him and gave him a ‘see me later’ face. He knew that face. He was well-versed in that particular time honored gay gesture. Jared cocked an eyebrow and smiled back until it dawned on him who the guy was.</p>
<p>“Wow, first event like this and you get hit on by Adam Lambert. Not bad.” Suzie smirked.</p>
<p>“Jesus, what is my life?” Jared muttered, watching the singer. The famous singer. The man who now sings with fucking Queen throw him another sultry look over his shoulder.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Networking had always felt like too much of a business buzzword to Jared but he learned that the actual act of it was more than profitable. Suzie took him under her wing, quite new to the world of publishing herself and introduced him to executives and magazine editors; Jared left each meeting with a business card and a spring in his step. He had a long intimate conversation with Ellen Page which blew his mind; an intelligent, informed young actor who actively worked for causes rather than just standing on a celebrity soap box. They exchanged emails after Jared expressed an interest in writing about her LGBTQ+ campaigning. The evening felt like an out of body experience and Jared really came into his own as a man looking to expand his career as a writer but after a small few minutes of solitude back at the bar, the weight of it all suddenly felt very heavy. Too heavy. </p>
<p>Jared slipped away from the gathering, tucking himself away in a quiet corner to take a moment for himself which hadn’t lasted as long as he would have liked.</p>
<p>“Hello, you’ve been hitting the mojito’s hard tonight.” </p>
<p>Jared looked up, chuckling at the line of empty mason jars full of soggy mint leaves on his table and feeling his cheeks heat up as Adam Lambert looked down at him.</p>
<p>“It’s my first time at an event like this. I’m sure I’ll regret it.”</p>
<p>“Never regret having fun. Uh?”</p>
<p>“Jared. And I know who you are.” Jared grinned as Adam ‘fucking’ Lambert sat down next to him. Weird day. “I enjoyed your set.”</p>
<p>“Thanks.” Adam nodded, having just come off the small stage after performing one of his new songs. “So, what do you do?”</p>
<p>“I’m a writer. Well, I want to be. I’ve contributed to the book.”</p>
<p>“First gig?” Adam Lambert said. <i>The</i> Adam Lambert who was pressed up against Jared’s shoulder, smelled like Vicktor &amp; Rolf and was wearing a beautiful ‘fits where it touches’ tailored silk suit in sea green. His dark, almost black hair perfectly coiffed and his lips were temptingly full and glossed.</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Jared nodded, taking a sip of his drink. A brief pause to give his mouth a chance to get back into gear. “I’ve written for a few newspapers before but I’ve never been published like this.”</p>
<p>“It’s one way to get your foot in the door, great causes too.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, they are.” Jared may have felt something that vaguely resembled arousal as Adam slid a hand up his thigh and leaned in. It had been a while since Jared had been hit on, been a while since he had felt horny. He kind of did now, kind of and so went with the heated kiss that came out of nowhere and felt weird because ‘Jared Normal Guy’ was kissing ‘Famous Person Adam’ and he was acutely aware of it the entire time thus not really putting much effort into the act of kissing Adam Lambert. “Sorry, you caught me off guard.” Jared muttered, nose wrinkled and knowing that one day he was likely to regret his next words. “I have a boyfriend.”</p>
<p>“Ah. So do I. I just wanted to see.”</p>
<p>“Right.” Awkward.</p>
<p>“I’m gonna go.” Adam Lambert, who tours with May and Taylor, said throwing a thumb over his shoulder.</p>
<p>“Okay.” Jared nodded sheepishly. “Thank you.” He chuckled.</p>
<p>“What for?”</p>
<p>“Nothing.” Jared shook his head, still chuckling to himself as Adam stood up. “It was nice meeting you.”</p>
<p>“In another life?”</p>
<p>“Definitely.” Jared grinned and then watched as Adam was swept away by ‘his people’. Probably.</p>
<p>So why <i>did</i> Jared say thank you to Adam Lambert for kissing him? Simple. It just confirmed, set in stone that he was one hundred percent, absolutely and totally, truly, madly, deeply in love with his beautiful best friend. It was then, at that very moment, Jared made the decision, that when the lease on his apartment was up, he would go back home to Texas and tell Jensen that he loves him. Fuck it. Jared is going to fucking propose.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The morning after the night before is always fun. The copious amount of mojito’s were still hanging around in Jared’s gut, swirling like a whirlpool, undecided as to which end they were going to vacate. Even Jared’s brain felt minty. Thankful that it was a Saturday, Jared laid in bed as still as he could, while he waited for his stomach to settle before he even thought about moving. He did also think about Adam Lambert quite a lot, and when his thoughts had fully downloaded and he finally realized it hadn’t been a dream, he laid back laughing to himself and then watched a few ‘Queen + Adam Lambert’ videos on YouTube which wound up with Jared imagining that if it had been Freddie Mercury at the launch party last night he still would have definitely ‘snogged’ him. <br/>As quickly as it took for Jared to close YouTube, he forgot about Adam and climbed out of bed to make coffee, pee for America, maybe eat something and definitely look through his ‘goodie bag’ from the night before. He imagined the celebrities didn’t care much for ‘goodie bags’ but Jared was poor so free stuff was free stuff. As he filled his apartment with the smell of fresh coffee he glanced at the two copies of the book he had bought. No freebies when it came to charitable causes and quite right too. One was for himself which he would keep out so he could look at it, the other one was for Jensen. Jared knew that Jensen wouldn’t have heard anything about the book which saddened him but he figured that the surprise of it would be nice. Along the with appearance of himself and the declaration of love.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <i>Jensen</i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jensen quite liked bar tending. It wasn’t that different to being a personal assistant, there was just a lot more alcohol involved. His colleagues were nice, a young couple who were trying to inject some hipster vibes into a small town of dive bars where the floor was sticky and pool tables doubled as dance podiums for the drunk and brazen. Over time, Jensen felt that he was able to let out his more flamboyant side. His true side. He hadn’t much liked hiding it but the more he got to know Chris and Liz, he came out more like his true self and relaxed into the job. Jensen figured that the kind of people likely to be offended by him were the ones least likely to drink in a trendy bar. ‘<i>Be you, never hide</i>.’ Liz had told him, Jared had once said the precise same thing.</p>
<p>On the subject of Jared, Jensen was missing his friend terribly. Justin was now just some asshole that he used to know but the loss of Jared was something else entirely. And it was mostly, if not completely Jensen’s fault. Guilt and stubbornness were a wicked combination and Jensen was living the nightmare. It took him three days tops after going back home to realize that he had made a terrible mistake, guilt had prevented him from listening to Jared’s voice-mails or taking the calls to his parents house. Then, when Jared’s calls ceased, it was stubbornness that had kicked in. <i>’If he doesn’t want to call me any more, then I won’t call him’</i> Jensen had told his mother.</p>
<p>Several months on however and his feelings had shifted into heartbreak and that horrible sensation whereby too much time had passed to even try to make amends. Jensen lived his life on auto-pilot, the social butterfly’s wings had been clipped, a situation of his own making. And so he worked, he saved his tips, shopped online like it was an Olympic sport and ate his weight in ice cream while looking at pictures of Jared and crying. A flight out to Chicago would have solved everything but. </p>
<p>Just, but.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Packing boxes with your belongings four weeks before your lease is up on your apartment might seem a tad previous but Jared couldn’t wait. His Mom and Dad were low-key pleased to welcome their son back into their home and had been sworn to secrecy because, oh yes, they lived right next door to The Ackles.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <i>2005</i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was a week or two before the start of the new school term when the Ackles’ moved into the house next door to the Padalecki’s. It had been empty for months and the family had watched as several different realtors show potential buyers around until the agency sign was taken down and a moving van pulled up onto the drive. Jared has always had a good memory, and his defining memory of seeing Jensen for the first time was one of his friends favorite stories; Jensen would forever get Jared to replay it. Most recently, just before the ‘break-up’.</p>
<p>“I was out front tossing a football around with one of the little kids who lived up the street and because the moving van had turned up. My Mom had told me to go look at the new neighbors so I could report back as to what they were like. Nosy. I watched you get out of your dad’s car and it was like one of those ‘new kid at high school’ scenes in a movie. The world slipped into slo-mo as you stepped out of the car, shaking your frosted tips and looking like something out of a teen magazine. I hadn’t seen anyone in real life who looked so fucking cool and you were hot too. And then Nick threw the football which bounced off my face and gave me a black eye for three days.”</p>
<p>“You were like the gangling nerd in the movie.” Jensen snorted.</p>
<p>“You <i>always</i> say that.”</p>
<p>“I love the slo-mo.”</p>
<p>“You always say that too.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In a word, Jensen looked ‘untouchable’. Jared was in the throes of figuring out whether he liked dick or pussy at that point; and Jensen would always credit himself for helping Jared along the way. ‘<i>One look at me, JJ and you knew it was going to be a lifetime of dicks for you!</i>’ Jensen had been kinda right but Jared had gotten so much more, he got a friend. For life. Almost.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Packing books is not fun because no matter how small the cardboard box is, it still winds up weighing a ton. Jared had just about managed to save enough money for a rental car to drive back to Texas and a van hire with driver but not enough for any muscle to help him move. Not an unfit young man by any standards but traipsing up stairs and down elevators non-stop while the driver ate a foot-long sub in the cab of the van was slightly vexing. By the time Jared had lifted the last box into the back of the van he was a six foot four sweat monster.</p>
<p>“You done, man?” The driver glowered at Jared in the wing mirror of the van. “It’s a heck of a drive to Texas and I’m on a schedule here.”</p>
<p>“I only have one pair of hands!” Jared yelled as he locked up the back of the van; the driver too lazy to even do that. “Give me ten and we’ll be on our way. I’ll be in my rental behind you.”</p>
<p>Jared went back up to his apartment for the last time to grab his laptop bag and holdall. Lots of memories were being left behind in that tiny apartment. Moving in day, where Jensen broke a nail. The movie marathon nights snuggled up on the couch drinking home made margaritas. Jared reading passages from books that he knew Jensen would like but would never read himself and being proved right whenever Jensen said ‘<i>Read it all to me, JJ</i>.’ </p>
<p>The drive was horrendous. Jared lost the van twice and the driver stopped what felt like every hour to pee or buy food and was clearly on a schedule entitled ‘taking my sweet-ass time’. However, every milestone in the journey made Jared’s stomach flip with excitement/nerves. Several state lines were crossed and when he finally hit Texas, the stomach flip was huge; he was finally in the same state as Jensen again. Jared had gone over all of the possible outcomes when it came to seeing Jensen for the first time. They had incredible range; the imagination of a writer working overtime. </p>
<p>Jared slipped his workshy van driver a little money to help him unload once they had arrived at the storage unit Jared had rented to store all of his belongings. Since his parents were not inclined to accommodate his things, he had no other option but to use a lock up, at least until he found a permanent place to live plus it made it easier for him to slip back into the neighborhood without alerting Jensen to his presence. His friend had done a stand up job at avoiding Jared for several months so it was only right that he would sneak in and trap Jensen unawares. The thought of it was still making him feel sick.</p>
<p>Mr and Mrs. Padalecki were lukewarm as usual to their son’s arrival, quiet people who would probably have made more of a fuss if Jesus had decided to stop by. They grumbled about his hair and asked him if he was still gay and offered him the guest room because his old bedroom had been turned into an extension of the attic; his teenage belongings had been boxed and coldly marked ‘Jared’ in block capitals. After a stiff ‘welcome home, kind of’ meal Jared finally found it in himself to ask about Jensen. Jensen was a tough subject in the Padalecki household, due to the homosexual corruption he had dragged Jared into. Jared knew that being gay was something that he had been mulling over long before Jensen arrived like a movie star into the neighborhood, all he did was confirm it. A real life pretty boy who had had stirred Jared’s loins into a frenzy.</p>
<p>“Do you see Jensen often?” Jared said, examining a dollop of pudding with a spoon that had been laid down in front of him. It reminded him of a bowl of come.</p>
<p>“No, only in passing.” Mrs. Padalecki shook her head as if even the sight of that ‘devil boy’ could once again send her son over to the dark side of sodomy and really expensive soft furnishings.</p>
<p>“Oh. I see. Donna said he’s working in a bar in town?”</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t know son.” Mr. Padalecki frowned. “I don’t frequent <i>those</i> types of drinking establishments.”</p>
<p>“Right, huh. We don’t have any gay bars here, Dad. Never had and-”</p>
<p>“Never will.” Mrs. Padalecki interrupted.</p>
<p>“Right.” Jared nodded. “Well, thank you both for being as supportive as ever.”</p>
<p>Silence.</p>
<p>Once, Jared and Jensen were curled up together watching Brokeback Mountain for the first time on DVD. When the scene with Jack’s soulless parents came on, Jensen snorted ‘Oh. My. God. They are so your mom and dad!’. He hadn’t been entirely wrong. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jared needed sleep more than anything but before he attempted to curl himself up on the tiny guest bed, he grabbed himself a couple of boxes from his old bedroom and shut himself away for a trip down memory lane. For all of his parents’ faults, they had packed away his belongings with care. Breakables had been carefully wrapped in paper and his teenage diaries had been stacked neatly. Oh God, his diaries. </p>
<p>“Whoops.” Jared muttered to himself as he sat on the bed and pulled out a stack. “Probably shouldn’t have left these behind when I moved out.” He flicked one open, the cover date reading ‘Jared’s Diary – January 2006’; he’d had so much to say that he often used one book per month. And lo, on the front page there is the start of a several page ramble from Jared waxing lyrical about Jensen. Jensen’s hair. Jensen’s ass. Jensen’s new sneakers. Jensen’s sexy legs. Jensen’s new backpack which had a small gay pride pin on that little pocket where you can tuck away very small things. Jensen’s mouth. Jensen’s eyes. And speculation about Jensen’s dick. <i>And</i> a little drawing of what it might look like. Jared had seen Jensen’s cock several times since that pen sketch and thankfully looked nothing like it. All incidents of viewing Jensen’s cock had been accidental and or clinical. Towel slips after a shower. Glimpses as they changed in their hotel room when they were in Mexico and ‘<i>Have you ever had a rash like this?</i>’ flashes. Jensen had never been so lucky. Not that Jared had ever had any genital rashes (turned out to be an allergic reaction to Jensen dousing his penis with cologne), he just happened to keep his own member tucked away from Jensen’s prying eyes. Because they often tried to pry. ‘<i>It’s so big, lemme look, JJ!</i>’</p>
<p>The diaries were cute and embarrassing and had no doubt been flicked through by Jared’s mom. Endless pages obsessing over every aspect of Jensen Ackles. From intense studies of his freckles to even more drawings of his cock, ass and one full page pencil sketch of the pair ‘in flagrante delicto’. Jared laid back on the lumpy bed which smelled strongly of lavender, surrounded by his diaries. How Jensen had slipped through his fingers for so long was now beyond Jared’s comprehension. He had always loved him, from the moment he saw him and even now, with the publication of the book, still loved writing about the man who has been and hopefully always would be, the love of Jared’s life.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If Jared was still writing a journal now, the title would read ‘<i>The Day of Declaring my Long Standing Love for Jensen Ackles and his Beautiful Ass</i>’. However, Jared was thirty now. And with thirty comes adult anxiety and lashings of self-doubt, fear of rejection and that burgeoning sensation of sexual frustration. Sexual frustration that had reared its head when Jared was fifteen and had never really gone away. Not that he’d had years and years of bad sex, just that he knew, <i>knew</i> that sex with Jensen was what he had always craved. Forever in his head while laying under ‘Mad Marc’, pretty green eyes and a delectable mouth helping him on his way. Jensen. Always Jensen. Never anyone else. For fifteen years there had been two parts of Jared. Himself and his other-half, Jensen.</p>
<p>Jared dropped Donna a quick text mid-morning, alerting her to his arrival and asked if Jensen was working that day. She was pleased to hear that Jared was back and informed him that Jensen was starting a shift at 1PM. And also that ‘<i>He’s sitting right next to me</i>.’</p>
<p>‘<i>What’s he doing?</i>’ Jared replied.</p>
<p>‘<i>On Pinterest, lol. Come over now.</i>’</p>
<p>‘<i>Can’t. I’m not ready.</i>’</p>
<p>‘<i>Okay love. He really misses you, he’s going to love seeing you again.</i>’</p>
<p>‘<i>Really?</i>’ Jared replied, a bit tearful because Jensen was so close now.</p>
<p>‘<i>Of course. He loves you.</i>’</p>
<p>‘<i>I love him too.</i>’ And that was it, Jared sobbed but quickly remembered that he had to look his best when he saw Jensen later and dashed downstairs to put two spoons into the fridge. A tip to combat puffy eyes. Thanks, Jen.</p>
<p>‘<i>I know. Come over later?</i>’</p>
<p>‘<i>Yeah, definitely.</i>’ </p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jared had the house to himself all morning since his parents had both left for work early. They were both teachers and worked at the same school, always had and probably always would. Jared helped himself to some coffee and used the alone time to ground himself. He had already practiced what he wanted to say in his head a billion times, it was what had kept him awake at the wheel during the drive from Chicago. But out loud, in the cold light of day, every word sounded <i>too</i> practiced, too clinical. And of course, Jensen was most likely to still be pissed off so Jared couldn’t predict his friends’ responses if he tried.</p>
<p>“Hey Jen! No. Jen, hey. It’s been a while. You miss me?” Jared said to himself as he wandered barefoot around the living room. "No, terrible. Cliché. Jen, I’m sorry I didn’t come back sooner. No, just hello. Hi? Ugh.” Jared groaned and plopped himself down into his fathers easy chair. He eyed the modest drinks cabinet in the corner of the room and considered for a split second that making his coffee Irish would help with his nerves but Jensen had never been a fan of drunk Jared ‘<i>You turn into Dustin Hoffman and start quoting from Tootsie. It’s weird</i>’ and not to mention that Jared had been stone cold, passed out drunk when all the crap that had split them up happened. No, stone cold sober was the only way to do it.</p>
<p>Jared showered and sat in his towel while he wrote a note to Jensen on a bookmark sized slip of paper. ‘<i>It has always been you</i>.’ He tucked it into the book, nestled against page fifty-five and wrapped ribbon around it, tying a shoddy looking bow. The book was now, in Jared’s mind, his last resort if apology didn’t work. If Jensen <i>really</i> didn’t want to see him or listen to his explanation about what happened that rainy night at least Jensen would know for sure and what he would do with that information was left entirely up to him.</p>
<p>Dressed in his book launch outfit; skinny jeans, smart jacket and Jensen’s keffiyeh wrapped around his neck, he fucked around with his messy man-bun which low-key pissed him off since it was meant to look messy but insisted on looking neat and tidy. Apparently, rubbing a couch cushion over your head out of sheer frustration is the key to mastering the perfect messy man-bun. With a dab of Cool Water behind each ear, Jared tucked his book under his arm and hopped into his rental car. He had a feeling it was going to be a strange day.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jared had remembered the bar from his old days hanging around the neighborhood with Jensen, too young to drink at that point, at least in licensed establishments. Hanging out in the park with a small bottle of Vodka and listening to Jensen’s dance music through his iPod speaker was a different thing entirely. The bar used to be one of those rough, dive bar drinking dens. Full of gun toting, bearded, meat-eating men. Jensen always joked about going in there just so he and Jared could ‘freak them out’ but Jared never had the balls to display his sexuality so openly like Jensen always had. Now, it had strong urban hipster vibes with a welcoming chalkboard propped up outside on the sidewalk and a plate glass window so people could drink and look fashionable for all the world to see. Jared wondered if Jensen had been at all instrumental with the changes because it screamed pretension and Jensen’s favorite phrase of all ‘high-end chic’. </p>
<p>Jensen was behind the bar as Jared poked his head around the window, he looked the same but different, even if Jared could only see the back of him. He was wearing a black t shirt which Jared figured was the staff uniform and his hair which was usually thick with product was a little longer and new-born-owl fluffy which Jared had always loved because it made Jensen look completely fucking sexy/cute. Jared hovered for a few moments before finding one of those rare human windows of confidence and barged inside, settling himself on a stool right behind Jensen.</p>
<p>“Can I have a Long Island Iced Tea, please?” Jared’s first practiced words had been a waste of time as he instinctively went for casual nonchalance. He watched as Jensen froze, his shoulders rose up and the task he had been engrossed in (lime slicing) came to an abrupt halt. And then a sigh.</p>
<p>“They make you crazy.” Jensen said softly, turning his head just enough for Jared to see his profile but not enough for them to make eye contact.</p>
<p>“Just a Coke then?”</p>
<p>“Ice and lime?”</p>
<p>“Jensen?” Jared’s voice was barely audible above the early afternoon bar ambiance. Jensen turned around slowly, still clutching his knife.</p>
<p>“Why did you come here?”</p>
<p>“Wanted to see you.”</p>
<p>“Oh, okay.” Jensen nodded, set down his knife and grabbed a glass which he dragged into a bucket of ice. </p>
<p>“You look good.” Jared pressed, watching as Jensen silently filled the glass with a fizzy jet of Coke.</p>
<p>“Thanks. You look-” Jensen set the glass on a drip tray and wiped his hands down his apron. “-different.”</p>
<p>“Is that good or bad?”</p>
<p>“Dunno.” Jensen shrugged before messily plopping a wedge of lime and metal straw into the glass.</p>
<p>“Right.” The only thing Jared could do to fill the silence was to take an overlong sip from his drink. And Jensen seemed to have no intention of saying anything at all. The reunion was nothing but lackluster and cold, something that Jared hadn’t considered possible. “This is great, thank you.”</p>
<p>“It’s a glass of Coke.” Jensen shrugged again before disappearing to serve a customer. All Jared did was sit there and feel sick to his stomach but God, Jensen looked good. Stripped clean of all the ‘bells and whistles’ clothing and accessories Jared was so used to seeing. No fancy scarf, no jewelery, no sticky hair. Just simplistic perfection and it was beautiful. Jensen was suddenly needed where Jared was sitting, keeping his head down as he grappled with a stubborn cork. “I’m a bit busy, Jared.”</p>
<p>“I figured.” Jared hated it when Jensen called him by his full name and he hated where he was and how uncomfortably awkward it was between them. It was like they were strangers. “Look-” Jared stood up and paid for his drink which was flicked back at him across the bar.</p>
<p>“On the house.” Jensen looked up and smiled sadly.</p>
<p>“Right, I’ll go and-” Jared sighed before setting the book on the counter. “-I got this for you. I’m in it.” He shrugged modestly. “I’m back at home, so you know where to find me, if you know-”</p>
<p>“I know.” Jensen nodded. “Thank you.”</p>
<p>“I’ll see you?”</p>
<p>“Sure. When I’m free.”</p>
<p>“Bye then.”</p>
<p>“Hm.” Jensen nodded and if Jared didn’t know any different, it looked as if Jensen were about to cry. “Bye.”</p>
<p>Jared hovered again, waiting for something else, something more but Jensen did nothing aside from going on about his day as if Jared had just turned into a bar stool.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jensen had no clue how he had managed to keep it together for the remainder of his shift before lunch. Just hearing Jared’s voice, so soft and musical like it had always been was all it had taken to send a shiver down his spine. For two hours he walked around on Jell-O legs and replaying the image of Jared looking like a model, sipping on watered down Coke with the sad eyes of a kicked puppy. And how he came across to his friend, cold and aloof. Disinterested. It had been shock he supposed. Jensen had woken up expecting his Tuesday to be like all the others. A routine of lime slicing, uncapping bottles of beer and disinfecting the metal straws. Another day of zoning it all out, earning a decent wage and relying on tips to make it better. Some days there might be a pretty boy sitting at the bar, today there had been the prettiest Jensen had ever known and he had treated him with indifference.</p>
<p>The moment the clock ticked over to 4PM and Jensen’s hour long late-lunch, he tucked himself away from prying eyes behind the bar, clutching the mysterious book Jared had bought him and let out hours worth of tears. Tears at work hadn’t been unusual for Jensen. Liz, his really nice boss was now used to giving Jensen work day pep talks on days when he was feeling really down. She had told him he was depressed, Jensen denied it because being sad had never been his thing. Truth is, he was and Liz was right behind him as he sucked in tears and sniffed out snot while perched on an empty keg. It was the worse she had ever seen him.</p>
<p>“Oh dear, bad day, Jen?”</p>
<p>“Yes.” Jensen barely managed a feeble nod. “Jared.”</p>
<p>“Your friend?”</p>
<p>“Yes.” Another nod.</p>
<p>“Is he okay?”</p>
<p>“Yes. He came here. He was here. Right over there-” Jensen threw his arm in the direction of the bar stool as if he were trying to discard his limb. “-and I was mean to him.”</p>
<p>“Oh no, Jensen. I’m so sorry. Did you know he was coming?” Liz was rubbing Jensen’s back, she did that a lot and Jensen found it calming.</p>
<p>“No. He just appeared and said he missed me and gave me this book. He knows I don’t read but I was just horrible to him.” </p>
<p>“You know, maybe it was just the shock of seeing him again?”</p>
<p>“Yes.” Jensen blinked, briefly glancing down at the book and read the title through wet eyes. He still didn’t understand why Jared had gifted it. “I wasn’t prepared, he was just, there.”</p>
<p>“Listen, I’ve got to get out there.” Liza smiled, nodding toward the busy bar. “Go and eat your lunch, breath and take your time. You’ll be fine. You always are, aren’t you?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Jensen nodded, gave Liz a warm smile before ducking around her body and scurrying off to the break room.</p>
<p>Jensen had always hated the décor in the break room, it reminded him of perhaps what purgatory would be like. Soulless and dull, a waiting room with no windows and no air. Jensen grabbed his bag and his lunch from the fridge deciding that the comfort of his car would be a better choice, at least it had a copious amount of windows, music and if things got <i>that</i> bad he could always pray to the Madonna hanging from his rear view mirror. The one that was like a virgin, not the actual virgin.</p>
<p>Jensen’s homemade sandwiches looked even more unappetizing as usual, suddenly not hungry and so threw the box into the foot well of his car. The book was sat on his lap as he toyed with the pretty bow and pulled it apart. The cover art was pointillism, loads of faces in little squares which made up the Pride flag. He didn’t notice Jared’s face in amongst the many he recognized from TV and trashy celebrity gossip magazines. Jensen had always felt guiltily addicted to those. He flicked the book open and in turn it spat out a neatly torn piece of paper which read ‘<i>It has always been you</i>’. Jensen slapped a hand over his mouth and sobbed, he was right on the edge of his emotions and just about managed to read through his tears.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <i>As with most LGBTQ+ children of religious parents, coming out to them wasn’t something I was ever prepared to do. When I knew for sure, I kept it close to my chest. It was all I could do, the reality of it was too frightening to contemplate and so I got on with being a teenager and all the added troubles that period of life brings with it.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>And then a miracle happened. Jensen breezed into my life when I was just fifteen. He was everything I wasn’t; confident, lively, unabashed and out. With what some might call ‘gay abandon’, Jensen formed a club for gay kids in the school and in a moment of bravery, I responded. It turned out that I was the only who had and who ever did. I didn’t even have to come out to him, I just walked up to his desk and told him that I wanted to join. We became a society of two and that club is still going, fifteen years later.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>I can’t remember exactly when I fell in love with him because it had been so easy and natural but it was quite soon after we met. And that was why I adored being around Jensen, it was easy. I could be myself, I could say what I was thinking out loud. It was the most free I had felt in my entire short life. The love I felt for Jensen was shoved away though, he was what anyone would describe as ‘out of my league’ but I was more than happy to be his friend. I still am.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>The most vital point I am making here is that you don’t have to tell everyone, you don’t have to surround yourself with dozens of accepting friends. Just one true one is sufficient to help you through what for many is a traumatic and confusing time. I can’t begin to imagine what my life would have been like without Jensen and beyond him, his own family too. I feel honored and blessed to have been a part of his life and as men now, we still share and gossip and whine and laugh, just as we did all those years ago. And am I still in love with him? Of course I am, that will never go away but his gift of companionship, kindness, brash honesty and love is something everyone deserves.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>You will find your tribe, your best friend and your support, it will come. Just like mine did one sunny afternoon in August. A friend from out of the blue who helped me through the toughest period of my life, a friend who I have never thanked for that. Until now. So, thank you Jensen, for being my support group of one, for being you and for allowing me, to be me. I love you. </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Jared Padalecki – Writer, TX</i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Any hope Jensen had of calming down was now hopeless. He was an emotional wreck of sobs, snotty whines and dramatic retches, one of which brought up a little of the coffee he’d had an hour prior to his break. He laughed though because Jared always found Jensen’s drama-gags absolutely hilarious. Jared. Fuck work. He laid a hand on Madonna and lowered his head.</p>
<p>“I’m going to get my man, bitch. Amen.” Jensen was suddenly <i>wired</i> as he turned the engine on and reversed out of the car park. “Oh, my God. How have I been so dumb. We’ve both been dumb.” Jensen whined to himself, quickly checking himself in his mirror. He looked gross, at least his own version of gross but suddenly none of that mattered anymore. Jared was the one person in his life who didn’t care about puffy eyes and snot and red tear streaked faces. Jared always told Jensen he looked good no matter whether he did or not. He always straightened his hair and groomed him, picking stray balls of fluff and bits from his clothes like an attentive gorilla. </p>
<p>Jared had been there through every break-up, through every regretful one-night-stand, through all the threatening letters from credit cards companies. He’d been there when he was sick, happy, well, sad, tired, joyous, asleep, wired on caffeine, when George Michael died. Jared had never been anywhere else but with Jensen. And God, Jensen loved him. Loved that beautiful long hair and that shitty Pearl Jam t shirt that had twisted out of shape but rose up <i>all the time</i> and it was the most perfect view. Ever. He loved how smart he was, how kind, how self deprecating and patient he was. He just, loved him.</p>
<p>Jensen hammered on the Padalecki’s front door while simultaneously battering the doorbell, still dressed in his work apron and smelling vaguely of limes. He skipped across the flower beds to peer inside after the assault on the door had proved useless. Jensen knocked on the window and called out Jared’s name. Nothing. Back to the door and another round of ‘Gay Battering Ram’ and still nothing. Jensen whined and complained in his usual display of high drama before hot-footing it across the joined driveway to his house.</p>
<p>“Fuck sake! Mom?!” Jensen called from the hallway, taking of his shoes as per Ackles requirement. “Mom?! Are you home!? I need to find Jared, oh my God! He came into the bar and oh my God! He looked so good, but I prefer his hair down!” Jensen babbled out everything that was inside his head as he walked deeper into the house. “Mom?! I need an emergency summit! Mom?! I love Jared and I’ve been so fucking dumb and no I’m not sorry about cussing because I’m in love with my-” Jensen’s socked feet skidded on the wood flooring as he made it to the kitchen. </p>
<p>Jared was sitting at the table with Donna, pretty red cheeks stained with tears.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I need to go out.” Donna said, standing up as she read the room. “Just some groceries.” She added, grabbing her purse from the kitchen counter as Jared and Jensen did their best department store mannequin impersonations. “I’ll see you boys later.” Donna brushed past Jensen, squeezing his hand and made herself scarce. </p>
<p>Jensen jumped as the front door slammed, caught by a draught from the open back door. He took one tentative step forward just as Jared rose from his chair, a wood on wood scrap that broke the silence. And then they were in each others arms, colliding like comets within seconds. Their mouths met for the first time, a crash of teeth and fifteen years of need merging together. And God, it felt good, for the both of them as Jensen backed Jared up against the kitchen counter and kissed him through even more threatening tears.</p>
<p>“It’s you.” Jensen murmured, pulling the hair tie from Jared’s hair and flicking it behind him.</p>
<p>“Always has been, Jen.” Jared ran a hand through Jensen’s fluffy hair, apparently key to allowing those bullying tears from falling.</p>
<p>“Did it feel weird when I kissed you?” Jensen said, his fist curled into his keffiyeh that was wrapped around Jared’s neck.</p>
<p>“No, it felt as far away from weird as possible.” Jared sighed and rubbed his nose against Jensen’s. “Baby.”</p>
<p>“Oh. My. God. Same.” Jensen whined and unraveled the keffiyeh.</p>
<p>“I’ve always loved you Jen. Always. Never stopped. Even when I was telling Marc that I loved him, it was as if I was using him as a conduit to get to you.”</p>
<p>“That’s weird.” Jensen whined but chuckled softly, burying his face into Jared’s neck. “I sent you on all of those crappy dates on purpose.”</p>
<p>“I know.” Jared laughed, inhaling the subtle scent of shampoo from Jensen’s hair. “I didn’t know what Justin had said about you. It was a mistake. You told me to be nice to him, so I was.”</p>
<p>“I know.” Jensen nodded, squeezing Jared so tight he could feel his ribs pressing into his arms. </p>
<p>“I’m so sorry.” </p>
<p>“Me too. So sorry I didn’t realize, all these years JJ. All the years wasted on other people and-”</p>
<p>Jared cut Jensen off with his lips, a sweet, soft kiss that felt like home and movie nights with margaritas and daily gossip over bubble tea and vacations in Mexico and everything that was good.</p>
<p>“And guess what?” Jared grinned against those lovely plush lips that he had be dying to kiss for so long.</p>
<p>“Wha’?”</p>
<p>“We can skip straight to the sex because we already know <i>everything</i> about one another.”</p>
<p>“Oh, Jesus.” Jensen breathed. “Um, okay. Let’s go up to my room.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jared was delighted to discover that Jensen’s bedroom was still exactly as it had been all through their school days and beyond. Same bed linens and drapes, same carpet and wallpaper, same mess of clothes with the labels still attached strewn over every surface. It was magical.</p>
<p>“It’s like stepping back in time.” Jared said, leaning against the door to close it, watching Jensen remove his laptop and clothes from the unmade bed. “I always hoped you’d make a move when we came up here.”</p>
<p>“You could have too, JJ. Any time.” Jensen smirked, glancing over his shoulder at Jared.</p>
<p>“I was too shy and you were, I mean you are <i>so</i> good looking, I always thought you were out of my league anyway.”</p>
<p>“You said that in the book.” Jensen said, sitting on the edge of his bed. “It’s not true. I’m not better than you in any possible way, if anything, it’s you JJ. You’re the untouchable one. So tall and slim and smart. Beautiful.”</p>
<p>Jared dropped to his knees and wedged himself between Jensen’s legs, hands settling against his thighs.</p>
<p>“We’re both here now, Jen. None of that matters any more. We’ve got each other and it’s for keeps.”</p>
<p>“I love you.” Jensen bit his lip, eyes closing because of those damn tears. “I love you so much, these past few months have been Hell. I’ve maxed out two credit cards and one night, I ate three tubs of Ben and Jerry’s, JJ. I used Oreos as spoons, JJ. As spoons.”</p>
<p>“Well, you’re no Heathcliff.” Jared chuckled and cupped Jensen’s face. “But I love you too, you maniac.” </p>
<p>“This is really happening, isn’t it? Us, me and you, finally.” </p>
<p>“Yep. ‘fraid so. You’re stuck with me now.”</p>
<p>“I’ve always been stuck with you, dear. But now I get to see you naked.”</p>
<p>“I’ve already seen <i>you</i> naked a billion times.”</p>
<p>“Right? Like, how did you not realize that I wanted you?”</p>
<p>“Because people don’t tend to show potential lovers their genital rashes?” Jared offered.</p>
<p>“Ew, don’t say lovers.”</p>
<p>“You’re so weird, I love you.” </p>
<p>“You do, don’t you?”</p>
<p>“Oh yes. So hard and for so long.” Jared sighed.</p>
<p>“I’m going to finally see your penis.”</p>
<p>“Yes, you are.” Jared smirked which slowly formed into a slight frown, his shoulders slumped and he slipped into a quiet, contemplative mood.</p>
<p>“What’s wrong?” </p>
<p>“Uh, logistics.”</p>
<p>“Of?”</p>
<p>“Um, we’re both bottoms."</p>
<p>“Are we?” Jensen cocked an eyebrow then gasped, one hand placed against his own chest. “JJ, did you just stereotype me?”</p>
<p>“No. It’s just we’ve never really talked about sex. At least not details, we’ve skirted around it, mostly because I had no interest in what you were doing with other guys.” Jared frowned.</p>
<p>“Ugh, God. No, me neither.” Jensen snorted.</p>
<p>“You’re a top?” Jared asked, unconvinced. “Seriously?” He laughed.</p>
<p>“Fine. Versatile.”</p>
<p>“Ha, I knew it. I knew there was a bottom in there somewhere, you little bitch.” </p>
<p>“Ugh, just shut up and let’s fuck.” </p>
<p>“God, yes please.” </p>
<p>Their shared laughter was swallowed by deep kisses which gradually morphed into something more serious and heated as Jared climbed up Jensen’s legs and moved smoothly over his body until his friend was laying on his back. Jensen slipped his fingers into Jared’s hair, pulling it to break the kiss.</p>
<p>“You’re a very good kisser.” Jensen muttered, twitchy hands pushing Jared’s shirt up to over his nipples.</p>
<p>“Very good? Who are you all of a sudden, Ron Swanson?” Jared smirked.</p>
<p>“I don’t know all the big words like you do.” Jensen pouted, relieving Jared of his shirt.</p>
<p>“Oh shush, I was teasing. But thank you, so are you. <i>Very</i> good. You have a sexy mouth.” Jared cut Jensen off with his lips before he could say another word. And then all Hell broke loose, that chaotic tornado of clothes being torn off and yanked, and pulled and tugged awkwardly from stubborn limbs. They both laughed in between messy, bumpy kisses and pauses of admiration, eyes taking in familiar stretches of flesh and some that hadn’t been studied so closely before.</p>
<p>“Show me.” Jensen said, holding Jared at arms length by his biceps, eyes drifting south over ‘not Jared’s favorite boxers’. “Need to see.” </p>
<p>“Don’t get too excited.” Jared chuckled, a sudden wave of nervousness washing over him as he stood up between Jensen’s knees. Jared had spent a large portion of his life looking at Jensen and vice versa, but the looks now were full of heat from both sides. A truly overwhelming sensation. Jared pushed his underwear down, lifting the thick waistband from his body and over his cock which slapped against his stomach, flicking a little precome onto his skin.</p>
<p>“Oh, sweet mother of Madonna.” Jensen breathed, crossing himself. Jared cackled at that.</p>
<p>“Why are you crossing yourself, you’re not Catholic.” Jared stepped out of his boxers while his sizable cock bounced and nodded as if saying ‘<i>Yeah, I know, right?</i>’</p>
<p>“It was the first religious action that sprung to mind.” Jensen sat up in a mechanical movement, placing himself almost nose to penis. “Lol, ‘sprung’.” He snorted and glanced up at Jared, serious now as he closed his eyes, pressing his cheek against the warm, soft shaft of Jared’s cock. “Oh, it’s lovely.” Jensen hummed, nuzzling and audibly inhaling Jared’s scent. “It’s fucking beautiful.”</p>
<p>“Thank you.” Jared swallowed down a gulp, looking down as his best friend indulged himself, showering Jared’s cock with what could only be described as affection. Jensen slipped his forearms around Jared’s dick and <i>hugged</i> it. Honest to God, full of love and tenderness cuddled it. “Oh wow.” </p>
<p>“I like it, a lot.” Jensen was humming with bliss while Jared’s cock was pressed into his cheek, pulsing, twitching and leaking. </p>
<p>“It’s all yours.” Jared whispered, fingers teasing Jensen’s product free hair, soft and fluffy against his palm. His breathing stuttered as Jensen’s tongue laved over the many inches of Jared’s cock, firm presses tasting and testing, tickling the wide stretch of his frenulum. Jensen lost himself in an intimate ‘getting to know you’ study of Jared’s dick. The head disappeared into Jensen’s mouth, soft and smooth followed by firm, loving suckling which made Jared’s head swirl as if he had just stood up too quickly. “Look at me.” And Jensen did, with glassy green eyes and mouth stuffed with dick. “Wow.  Never imagined-” Jared trailed off because the words just wouldn’t flow.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jared, in all the years that he had known Jensen, had never once imagined what it would feel like for his best friend to be balls deep, head in the rectum inside him. Jensen had always been flamboyant, often camp; a stereotypically ‘limp-wristed’ bubble-butted bottom queen. But even people who you think you know can surprise you. Jared felt like was going to die right there in Jensen’s bed, face down, legs spread open and sandwiched between the lumpy mattress and Jensen’s soft, warm body; groaning deeply each and every time Jensen drove his cock deeper inside Jared’s thoroughly prepped asshole. They had been locked in Jensen’s bedroom for hours. It was now dark outside and people had returned to the house, footsteps had passed the door while the pair had the quietest, most stealth-like sex of their lives; apart from the suction fart that Jared let out while Jensen was prepping him which lead to five long minutes of hysterical laughter from the both of them.</p>
<p>“Are you okay?” Jensen asked, fifth time in a row. Jared nodded and mumbled various forms of the affirmative into the pillow in between tugging the fabric with his teeth because Jensen’s girth was quite a shock after the long dry spell Jared had been enduring. Slender piano player fingers just don’t cut it.</p>
<p>“Wish we could have done this without your mom and dad discussing ficuses right outside the door.” Jared mattered in a rare window of clarity and coherence. </p>
<p>“I like it.” Jensen’s mouth was catching the curve of Jared’s ear as he spoke, ass flexing, pulling and pushing into his friends body. “I’m pretending you’re fifteen.”</p>
<p>“Pervert.”</p>
<p>“I’m fifteen too, dear.” Jensen chuckled. “All those-” Jensen groaned, a tone so deep that Jared had never heard before which made his body twist and curl with arousal. “-pent up teenage hormones we shared. God, I wanted you.”</p>
<p>“Having me now.” Jared turned his head, could just about see Jensen’s face, too close and out of focus but it was beet red which made his green eyes pop out. “You smell like limes.”</p>
<p>“Hm, you smell like cheap cologne and books.” Jensen smirked.<br/>

</p><p>Jared’s neck twisted painfully, just enough discomfort to ignore, lips puckering for a kiss as Jensen shifted to reach, cock so deep Jared wondered if Jensen would ever find his way back out. They kissed slow and greedy, mouths grasping to reach, grabbing lips and stretched tongues. It was just the right amount of contact they both needed and fuck ficuses, they lost themselves in some serious headboard banging, mattress squeaking fucking. Jared found himself fleetingly amazed at how supple his neck was because he couldn’t not look at Jensen, couldn’t bear to tear his eyes away for even a second.</p>
<p>“Say you love me, JJ.” Jensen was ridged, like a fleshy lump of timber weighted over Jared’s body. “I’m gonna come and I want to hear it.”</p>
<p>“I love you, Jen.” Jared hissed the sentiment out through gritted teeth as the bed sheets underneath him wrapped themselves around the head of his cock, a fabric sheath which pulled and rubbed as Jensen came inside him.</p>
<p>“I love you too, JJ.” Jensen was <i>loud</i> as he came, the visceral grunting of an ‘in control’ top. Jared couldn’t reach to slap a hand over Jensen’s mouth to silence him but he was kind of pleased about it because it was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard.</p>
<p>“We are so grounded.” Jared chuckled, twitching as if he’d just stuck his finger in an electrical socket and was enjoying the buzz of a mild shock. “You animal.”</p>
<p>Jensen bit into the flesh of Jared’s shoulder blade, hips still stealing the odd jab and prod which finished Jared off completely until he was a personification of a bowl of melted ice cream under Jensen’s body.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I feel sad it took us so long.” Jensen was sat up in bed sipping water while Jared was in his en suite cleaning up.</p>
<p>“No.” Jared poked his head around the door frame, brows tangled as he frowned at Jensen. “No, you are not allowed to start saying stuff like that. We got here, that’s all that matters.” He disappeared again but could hear the sigh.</p>
<p>“I just wish you had been my first.”</p>
<p>“Jen, stop it.” Jared emerged from the bathroom drying his hands with a towel, still naked and pink-skinned. Delectable.</p>
<p>“Sorry.” Jensen sighed but it was short lived because the view was lovely. “You have a <i>really</i> sexy body. Just my type.”</p>
<p>“Thank you. So are you funnily enough.” Jared grinned, the bed bouncing as he rejoined his boyfriend in bed.</p>
<p>“I put on weight.”</p>
<p>“No you haven’t. You’re lovely.” Jared grinned again, locking an arm around Jensen’s stomach as he laid on his front.</p>
<p>“Thanks.” Jensen rolled his eyes at the compliment. “Do you think my parents heard us?”</p>
<p>“Yes, I’m pretty sure the whole neighborhood heard, Jen.” Jared snorted.</p>
<p>“I’ve missed you so much, JJ. Life has been dull and empty without you.” Jensen was all pouty and needy and Jared did love it so.</p>
<p>“I’ve missed you too, things haven’t been great for me either.”</p>
<p>“You got a book published.” </p>
<p>“Well, not really. I had a love letter to you published in a book filled with a ton of people a lot more important than me, Jen. I went to the launch party though and I was literally a nobody.”</p>
<p>“What?” Jensen pulled his head back, mouth open in surprise. “You went to party with celebrities, without me?”</p>
<p>“Rethink that question, Jen.” Jared frowned. “But yeah, I did.”</p>
<p>“Oh my God! Who was there?”</p>
<p>“Matt Bomer.”</p>
<p>“Shut. The. Fuck. Up!” Jensen squealed, quite a contrast to the heavy grunting man Jared had inside him not twenty minutes ago.</p>
<p>“I will not.”</p>
<p>“Is he just as beautiful in real life?”</p>
<p>“Same as on TV really. Oh and I uh, I made out with Adam Lambert.”</p>
<p>“Sure you did.” Jensen snorted.</p>
<p>“I did.”</p>
<p>“Sure.”</p>
<p>“I fucking did!” Jared laughed.</p>
<p>“Sure, and <i>I</i> had Cheyenne Jackson over every night and used <i>him</i> as a spoon for my Ben &amp; Jerry’s.”</p>
<p>“I did. He kissed me.” Jared said seriously.</p>
<p>“Sure, Jan.” Jensen smirked. “More like you got drunk and had to be dragged away by his people for trying to lick his neck.”</p>
<p>“Actually, the situation was reversed. His people dragged <i>him</i> away from <i>me</i>.”</p>
<p>“Is this some weird attempt at trying to make me jealous?”</p>
<p>“No, it’s the truth.” Jared chuckled.</p>
<p>“You’re sweet but you’re lying.”</p>
<p>“Fine, don’t believe me. But it happened.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next few days were blissful for Jared and Jensen, the joy of starting a new relationship without the awkwardness of getting to know a person. They already knew everything, even the few bad things about one another, the things that drove one another crazy but had both come to accept over the years. They dated and spent a lot of  time getting to the know the things about one another that they had missed out on for all those long years of loyal friendship. Jared remained in awe at Jensen’s skills as a very dominant top, Jensen rethought his views on his part-time ‘occupation’ as a power bottom due to the sheer size of Jared’s cock. Even a size queen like Jensen had his limits.</p>
<p>They talked about getting their own place, about marriage and children and growing old together and neither were scared at the prospect of achieving and living out all of those run-of-the-mill life goals that people do all around the world, day in day out. They didn’t worry about how long they would last or pre-nups or who would have custody of the children because there was no question of their not lasting the distance. They had seen the good, the bad and the ugly in one another, they had loved it and embraced it. They had nurtured the good and helped wheedle out the bad, learned to be better people if the situation called for it. </p>
<p>Jared had accepted a long time ago that Jensen had an Elton John level problem with impulse shopping and Jensen had learned to love that Jared kept his clothes for years simply because he loved them and it didn’t matter if they were faded, or stretched out of shape because that’s what people become over time and if you truly love them, you brush all of that aside because the essence of their being still exists.</p>
<p>Family and friends told them ‘<i>It’s about time!</i>’ and ‘<i>Why has it taken you both so long?</i>’, overjoyed that two people who were so made for another had finally realized and overcome the doubts they shared. Neither believed they deserved the other when really, the reality was that they did, more than any couple on earth. A new phase had begun and while they wallowed in the blissful comfort of familiarity, Jared and Jensen could at last share their physical needs and wants. Jensen was finally, finally able to run a tongue over those perky little nipples that used to tease him underneath old band t shirts. And Jared, at last getting his hands on Jensen’s incredible ass which has, since they got together, had a nickel or two bounced off of it. All those pent up, pushed away and ignored cravings were theirs and they <i>loved</i> it.</p>
<p>But more than that, they loved each other, wholly and completely, without complication nor doubt. It was all Jared and Jensen had ever wanted. Simple, uncomplicated love. No worries, no fears, no lies. Just love.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>